Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
LOL!
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
No regrets in 2018
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
