dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
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ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral