dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
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If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool