dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
You Might Also Like
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Actually cracking up @ this
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.