Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
had to share :’)
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
