Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Breaking news:
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
