Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary