Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

if i had a bf i’d be a gf

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane