Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
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Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Haha! 😂
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
wtf is a larm clock?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*