Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.