Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.