[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?