Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done