Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi