Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

this is a sign that you need a union

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad