Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie