[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
School be like
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?