Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.