[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
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BaD BoY!!
This kid will have a bright future.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Remember folks 😂
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???