Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)