Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
You Might Also Like
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Just parrot things
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers