Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.