[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
We made a comic about a space heater.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
