[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
