[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.