Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
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So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I can’t stop watching this.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me