Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

every college guy’s fridge

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.