Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
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Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…