Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
Saturday
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break