Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.