Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

How many? 🤔

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves