Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

He’s dead

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

Good boy 😂😂

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

I’m calling the cops.