Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now