Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

honestly, i need both:

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced