*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
a fate I wish upon no one
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Wednesday
Goodnight 🐶
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
wtf management?!
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.