Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

Poetry is my passion

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.