*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Mad Max Arctic Road
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.