Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
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I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?