Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?