Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
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OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’