Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..๐๐พ๐
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re sayingโฆbird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: โฆyouโre not gonna believe this
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
One day Iโm gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I donโt even bake.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Iโm thinking of buying a handful of of those โWorldโs Greatest โ-โ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
โOh, youโre interested in the Worldโs Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Iโm in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings theyโve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I canโt tell if the kidโs just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Itโs terrible when my husband โmisplacesโ his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!