Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

My first son he is wonderful

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”