Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
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You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?