Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.