Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no