Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..馃悤馃惥馃槄
You Might Also Like
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who鈥檚 talking to my man
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m not stressed
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Okay, that made me chuckle 馃槀
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
Me: Honey, I鈥檓 going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I鈥檓 not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain鈥檛 dumb*
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
i feel so bad i refunded him
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I鈥檓 not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.