Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
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There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”