Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
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Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.