Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
thank god
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.