Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
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Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Looking at you, Jesus.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*