Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.