Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..šš¾š
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Are you there Santa?
Itās me, Midge
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I canāt put my pants on without falling over.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: thatās the dumbest shit iāve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
what if everything thatās happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Wait a second…
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Vet: “I can see the headā¦
ā¦here’s the neckā¦
ā¦more neckā¦
ā¦more neckā¦
ā¦neckā¦
ā¦neckā¦
ā¦neckā¦
ā¦still more neckā¦
ā¦neckā¦
ā¦it’s a giraffe!”
when hoodie season starts donāt ask me if iām wearing anything under because this is what imma do
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Itās only 9am, & Iāve already ruined my sonās entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as āCuntus Maximus.ā
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
