Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
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OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.