Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first