*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
marvel comics have peaked
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Breakfast in bed.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?