Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

I want what they have

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

Gross if literal…Liverpool

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix