[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
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Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*