Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…

Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Software Development ⛵️

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.