Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This can never not be funny 😭😭

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending