DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
meanwhile over on facebook
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.