*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

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Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!

Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around


Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.


Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.


Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away


*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]


[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry


The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?


I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.


before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.


Instead of donating my body to science, I’ll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.