@Marilyn_Brando

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

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@Mr_Kapowski

Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!

Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around

@LackOfShame

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

@SamGrittner

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

@Hobo_Splendido

[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry

@robdelaney

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

@_Water_Baby

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

@KimmyMonte

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

@Gooooats

Instead of donating my body to science, I’ll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.