Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

i did the math

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic