Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

dogs can find happiness so easily

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks