Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

when you order from DoorDastardly

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)