Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭