Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
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“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Canadian owl: Eh?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner