Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

🧠

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.