Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.