DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later