Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye