Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Breaking news:
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My Guy
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
he’s doing your taxes
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.