Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Voodoo map

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The Chosen Phew

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you