Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.