Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.