dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
When your man makes a valid point
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
she has a point
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.