dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
The best plant holders?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.