dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Good morning ☺️
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.