dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
You Might Also Like
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
do u think theres a butter planet?
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?