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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
