Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down