Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
translated into Canadian
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Not messing around
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*