Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Very good news from my accountant
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
No one :
Me when I swimming :
