Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.