Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.